its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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