I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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