the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i need an iv and a liver transplant
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
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