textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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