On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
