I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
