This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
