He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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