Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
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