White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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