based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
