I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
