weddingsv make me drug and hornr
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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