Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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