the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
