It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I want a musical about memes.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
