I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
