I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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