i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
