I wish I could punch you in the face.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
why is half of my head shaved?
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