Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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