Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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