My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
