i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
