All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
