I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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