just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
