Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
grandma shit on top of the toilet
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
