Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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