Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
