So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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