So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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