woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I'm always down for nudity.
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