Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
You've changed since you got that strap on
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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