I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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