She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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