hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
She even gives head with a lisp.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Come on in and take your pants off
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