I have demons in me.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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