what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
this just has baby written all over it
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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