He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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