ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
