Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
