Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
