So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
