it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
