She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize