I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
