plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
