totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
