so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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