remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I don't deserve a penis
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Randomize
