Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize