I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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