Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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