So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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