I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
