I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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