Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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