ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
