Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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