What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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