When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
