I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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